In order to elucidate an understanding of each British political party, AllRiot sociologists have procured a small scientific study.
Using a hidden camera, we placed a £10 note in front of the offices of each party’s headquarters.
Here were our findings:
Tory MP: Subject A picks up the bank note. Five minutes later, is still dissatisfied with his earnings. Waits for a passerby. Bumps into one and pickpockets wallet. Calls the passerby a wanker and proceeds to the nearest HSBC. Places money in offshore account, along with money from budget cuts, derivatives earnings, and slush funds.
Labour MP: Subject B picks up the bank note. Five minutes later, becomes indecisive and convenes his party. Delivers a long, dull, and jargon-filled explication without notes or factoids. Party dispiritedly agrees to invest the £10 note into paying off the national debt. Party receives £1,000 bill for the convention and cuts public programs, including NHS, to pay it off.
Green Party MP: Subject C picks up the bank note. Five minutes later, altruistically wishes to share his earnings with other party members. Grabs a pair of scissors to divvy up the earnings by cutting it into pieces. Money is now useless to everyone. Party members become enraged that Subject C expelled 30 carbon points speaking about meaningless bullshit and return to work.
Liberal Democrat MP: Subject D picks up the bank note. Five minutes later, becomes indecisive and falls to the sidewalk, sobbing and showing his emotional side. Helpless, phones David Cameron to find a viable solution, who advises him to place the money in his offshore account for safekeeping. The next morning, calls Cameron to claim the money, to which Cameron scoffs, “Who the fuck are you?” Subject D Is heartbroken and stays in bed all morning.
UKIP MP: Subject E picks up the bank note. Clicks heels and punches the first immigrant he finds in the face. Uses the £10 on two pints, and an additional £50 on nine more and fishing bait.