TRUMP PRESIDENCY 101

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TRUMP PRESIDENCY 101

 

The 2016 US elections were easy enough: vote for either Elizabeth Bathory or a billionaire version of David Duke. Unsurprisingly, voters chose the bloodletting Countess to lead their country, simply because she was a woman, which didn’t sit well with the Electoral College.

Meanwhile, Trump supporters belched USA over Pabst Blue Ribbon and embraced each other in a tender, heartfelt bromance as the man who no one expected to become president, unfortunately, was elected. Everyone from the Klu Klux Klan to Marie LePenn sent their congratulations at the bright prospects of a homeland without melanated human beings.

For the first time since Brexit, people woke up a world where suicides, car accidents and heart attacks were the leading cause of death in a single day. Those that said that lightning never strikes twice have grossly underestimated those living on both sides of the Atlantic, whose inhabitants behave like the world’s tallest weathervane in the middle of hurricane season.

LESSONS LEARNED

Humanity learned quite a bit that day. It learned that, if you have third-party candidates, use them, because the lesser of two evils becomes a dangerous, irreversible consequence of apathy. Jill Stein was a woman, liberal-friendly, smart, and to some, a GMILF. Nevertheless, they chose the corporate wench in the $12,500 Dr. Evil suit to lead the country.

Secondly, indignation is for babies and sore losers. All of that tire burning, slogan chanting, car overturning goodness should have been applied at the start of the elections, and not been wasted on a woman who personally chaperoned and bankrolled al-Qaeda and pulled a Judas on Bernie Sanders.

America’s perception of democracy is very similar to a malignant tumour’s perception of its role in the human body. Sure, it thinks that it’s promoting jobs and growth, when in reality, it’s ‘growth’ is cutting off the blood supply to the brain. That’s precisely what America’s politically illiterate, counterrevolutionary populace did en masse on Election Day.

So, if your hatred for Trump is sincere, stop pining over Lesley Gore’s “It’s My (Democratic) Party” and man up. Don’t wait until 2020 for change. Learn how to party like it’s 1776 and burn down the bourgeoisie whilst the Great American Fire Sale is hot.

TOP 10 TRUMP POLICIES

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1

GUN CONTROL

Enforce the 2nd Amendment and the right to bear arms. Bringing back programmes like Project Exile to punish violent offenders that use guns.

Withdraw from the Trans-Pacific Partnership (TPP) and renegotiate NAFTA. Crackdown on violations of existing trade agreements with other countries (including China) and argue those cases to the World Trade Organisation.

2

TRADE

3

IMMIGRATION

Tighten controls on immigration by building a “Great Wall” between the US and Mexico , which Mexico will pay for. Allow migrants in based on individual merit and contributions to the economy. Enforce swift deportations of illegal immigrants.

Create an “America-first” economy based on a 1.5% increase in GDP, granting 25 million people new jobs over 10 years. Grow the economy by 3-4% per year.

4

ECONOMY

5

MILITARY

Increase the size to 540,000 active personnel. Continue America’s anti-ballistic defence missile (ACBM) program. Cut costs in defence spending by auditing and streamlining Pentagon bureaucracy. Increasing Navy and Air Force fleets dramatically.

Repeal Obamacare and keep a privatised, regulated healthcare system. Provide mandatory 6 weeks of paid leave to new mothers. Create a patient-centred healthcare system.

6

HEALTHCARE

7

FOREIGN POLICY

End the current foreign policy of regime change. Fight ISIS by ‘crushing them’ and cutting off their funding sources. Establish a ‘Commission on Radical Islam’.

Return to making energy a central component of domestic and foreign policy.

Make America ‘energy-dependent’ by reducing or removing energy dependence from OPEC member states. Wants to focus on coal and shale oil deposition on US soil.

8

ENERGY

9

INFRASTRUCTURE

Create infrastructure to provide clean water, repair crumbling roads and buildings. Focus on American steel rather than imports. Move away from globalisation.

Order a review of cybersecurity vulnerabilities. Create Joint Task Forces to coordinate on a federal, state, and local law enforcement. Improve the technologies in America’s cyber infrastructure.

10

CYBERSECURITY

ALLRIOT KICKASS POLITICAL T-SHIRTS

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