Kickass political t-shirts


karl marx
‘Tis the season to be jolly, and although many have recently spent their last wads of hard-earned cash on kickass political t-shirts for their families last holiday season, we prepare to celebrate the Great Bearded One in Red for all of his hard work, time, and dedication. Yes, the one with a bellowing laugh as big as thunder, and a workshop full of labourers devoted to helping the poor and needy. That portly bastion of charity, who brings us an annual reminder of love, peace on earth, and goodwill towards Man? Hooray! It’s Santa Claus, right? Wrong, bitches. It’s Karl Marx, the other Patron Saint of London. Our self-made, stateless brother epitomised not the ghost of Christmas past, but the spectre of our socialist future, which has returned from the netherworld of unreported truths to haunt us once more. Comrade Marx was no Jack-of-all-trade unions; on the contrary, he breathed life into the social sciences of the Enlightenment era to bridge the gap between the “haves” and the “have nots”, and has dramatically reshaped the terrain of global politics. His books The Communist Manifesto and Das Kapital proposed a multitude of theories, all which advocate the redistribution of wealth, redefinition of man’s social contracts and class assignments, and permanent abolition of feudalism and capitalism (modern-day feudalism). Not quite what Father Christmas had in mind. Arguably more influential than Santa Claus, if not one of the most influential persons in history, Marx was no fan of the “gift of the Magi” and preferred to retake the whole bloody shop instead.

Marx also had an uncanny gift of insight, and chronicled his premonitions throughout Das Kapital. In it, he saw the contradictions of capitalism: uncontrollable ‘market forces’ of fiat money and rigid, tyrannical laws based on fiat concepts of justice. An economy which prints money for the speculative rich and monetizes the debt of the poor. Privatised militaries destroying public facilities, and public bailouts of private institutions. Sustainable austerity based on unsustainable profit and growth. In short, Marx accurately predicted the proverbial fellatio that the lower class, the proletariat, would give endlessly to the owners of the means of production, the bourgeoisie, and a critical, empirical peek into the current state of affairs would reveal that things haven’t stopped sucking since. It was Marx’s job to tell the world to get off of its calloused, servile knees and start using the labour of the masses in an organized way that benefited everyone.

His observations would give rise to a wave of revolutionaries–Lenin, Trotsky, Luxemburg, Gramsci, DeLeon, Mao, Che, Tito, Chavez, and countless others–who would continue and lead the struggle towards tangible advancements in class warfare. The long road to victory for the proletariat has made ample gains and losses, but have unmistakably lifted many countries out of the darkness of imperialism. We celebrate those famous figureheads that put the class back into class struggle, and now that it’s back in session, it’s time to brush up on revolution. Grab your hammer and sickle, comrades. We have a future to build; one without gods or masters. Spare nothing to the bourgeoisie and their ambitions for world domination.

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